Book Spotlight

 

Each of the 40 pages are filled with beautiful watercolor illustrations and a heart-warming story, Family By Love books were written to educate and encourage children, and also to provide conversation starters for birth and adoptive families in their relationships together.

These books share many ideas for adoption, including:

open adoption

domestic adoption

transracial adoption

birth mothers and birth families

preparing to adopt

waiting for placement

celebrating holidays

honoring traditions

the ongoing relationships of open adoption

 

For more information, visit their site, here.

Plus, 10% of all proceeds from Family By Love books and products
will be donated to help make adoptions possible.

Earn more. Give more! Every day, Giving Assistant shoppers are earning more cash back on their purchases at 3,000+ popular online retailers. Then, they’re donating a percentage of those earnings to valuable organizations like Adoption Choice Inc.. The best part? Donating is hassle-free—Giving Assistant facilitates the whole process. Join Giving Assistant now to start donating 3-30% of every purchase to Adoption Choice Inc. while you shop online at places like Lowe’s, Michaels, and Kmart, and unlock deals like exclusive Joann coupons!

Raising awareness of the need for adoptive families

Our National Adoption Recruitment Campaign promotes adoption from foster care and raises awareness of the 112,000 children and teens waiting to be adopted.

This year’s campaign theme—“What to Expect When You Are Expecting a Teen”—highlights the need for families for teens. Of more than 5,000 children in foster care actively photolisted on adoptuskids.org, 43 percent are 15–18 years old.

The recruitment campaign ads raise awareness of thousands of teens waiting to be adopted.

The campaign public service announcements (PSAs) and print ads parody the iconic pregnancy guide, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. They humorously depict common scenarios parents encounter when adopting a teen—such as confusing text messages, binge-watching, and “promposals.”

The PSAs end with the tagline, “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent,” reassuring prospective parents that even if they are not perfect, they can provide the stability and security that teens in foster care need and deserve.

The National Adoption Recruitment Campaign is a partnership of AdoptUSKids, the Children’s Bureau, and the Ad Council.

Watch all the campaign videos on the AdoptUSKids YouTube channel.

Every adopted teen will have some questions.
Here are some of the most common, and what you can do to help.
Written by Debbie B. Riley, LCMFT, CEO, Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.)
Published by Adoptive Families Magazine

____________________________________________________________________
Prior to adolescence, children are extremely curious about their adoption stories. Although they question the circumstances that led to their adoption, most of them seem to accept the answers calmly. But adolescents often demand fuller and more factual answers. They understand that most mothers love, nurture, protect, and keep their babies. Why not in their case? Was there something terribly wrong or unlovable about them? Now that they are more sophisticated critical thinkers, adolescents revisit their earlier vague questions and refine them into a very personal (and sometimes painful) exploration of the question, “Why did my birth mother and birth father leave me?”

This process begins early in adolescence, a period of heightened upheaval and confusion for most youngsters. The already-stressed adolescent reconnects with the powerful awareness that, to have been adopted, someone had to give him away. 

Here are six common adoption-related questions teens have, and ways you can help:

1. Why was I adopted?
The minds of adopted teens are filled with questions like, “Why was I given away? Was there something wrong with me? Did they give me away because they did drugs or
abused me? What does this mean for me? Why couldn’t they have worked things out and taken care of me?” One of the hardest challenges for adoptive parents is to explain their child’s adoption story. While parents begin with the best intentions in mind, they often stray off course just at the point when the information might reveal aspects of the story that may be difficult for their child to hear. Sam’s mother said, “I am leery about telling Sam the whole story. I do not want to upset him.” It is an understandable dilemma. By adolescence, however, it is no longer adequate to recapitulate the simplified adoption story that was given when the child was younger: “Your birth mom could not take care of you, and Daddy and I wanted so much to be parents, and we adopted you.”

In this developmental period, almost all children seek to expand their understanding of their own story, especially when it comes to knowing the reason why they were relinquished. Unfortunately, this is often the very piece of the story that most parents find most difficult to share or explain. In fact, parents often do not know the true reason that led the birth parents to relinquish. In such a situation, it is better to acknowledge to your teen that, in fact, you don’t know. Then you can discuss and speculate on the reasons together. A parent might say: “I can imagine how frustrating it is not to have your questions answered. I wish I had more that I could tell you. However, from the little we do know, what do you think things were like for your birth parents at that time?”

2. What’s the truth about my birth parents?
Younger children are comfortable living with broad, general ideas of their birth parents. Adolescents seek the facts — the detailed facts. They want definite information about why and how they came to be relinquished. They may ask questions like, “Why was I abandoned? Do I have any brothers or sisters? Did my birth father care about my birth mother, or was it a one-night stand?” Parents may be hesitant to share information that they regard as potentially upsetting or damaging. But when there is a void, teens will often begin to fantasize about their birth parents and, quite often, the fantasies may be more damaging to a teen’s identity formation than any fact — including difficult facts. In almost all cases, the truth is freeing for adolescents.

Barbara knew that her son Jason’s birth father had a dependency on alcohol and had been physically abusive to his birth mother before he abandoned her and Jason. Barbara had told her son that she did not know anything about his birth father. “I worried that he would somehow think he could grow up to be like him.” When Jason was 17, he began pushing for more information, and Barbara told him the truth. Jason was relieved that he finally had some knowledge about his birth father, even though he felt sad to hear about his poor choices. Jason had secretly believed that his birth father was dead, since no one spoke of him. The new information opened the possibility that maybe one day he could meet his birth father.

Therapists are often asked for advice on the correct timing for sharing difficult information with children. There is no cookbook answer. Each child’s temperament and emotional and intellectual maturity will determine his readiness for processing distressing information. Certainly, by adolescence, parents should reveal all the details they know about the adoption story. Adolescents have a new cognitive capacity to process information and to consider facts and feelings. A parent might say: “I think it is time to tell you some more information about your adoption story. You may be mad that I have waited to share this, but it was important to me not to overwhelm you with information you might not be ready for.”

3. Why do I feel different from everyone else?
Feeling different from peers is the worst curse of adolescence. Nowhere else along the developmental stages of life do people so desperately want to fit in, to be a part of the
group, as they do in adolescence. Being adopted creates a sense of being different in many ways. Adoptees may be of a different race or cultural background than their family, and may feel different from peers who are being raised in biologically related families. For transracially adopted teens, this sense of belonging and loyalty may be hard to achieve. Katherine, 14, wanted very much to connect with her cultural origins. She sat at the cafeteria table where the Korean girls would congregate. She was flatly rejected as soon as they realized she “wasn’t really Korean,” meaning that she couldn’t speak the language. “I knew very little about their culture — the only thing we had in common was that I looked like them.” Katherine went to the Korean food market with her mom and learned how to make some Korean dishes. “I shared the food I made, and they began to talk to me! Of course the adoption question came up, but I was prepared.” Katherine
was slowly accepted into the group. Eventually, the girls invited her into their homes and taught her more about her birth culture, customs, and language. Katherine’s sense of
self-worth soared. Adoptive parents are often surprised to learn from their transracially adopted teen that the world is not the wonderful, embracing place they believed it to be. Pedro was adopted at 18 months from Guatemala, and grew up in a fairly diverse neighborhood, but was uncomfortable being in a transracial family. “The fact that my skin color is different from my family’s draws attention no matter where we are,” said Pedro. “It used to be OK, but now that I am older, it seems more complicated. Sometimes, to avoid questions from people at school, I say that the woman who came to pick me up is our neighbor, not my mother.” What was missing for Pedro was a repertoire of survival skills necessary to combat discrimination. Long before adolescence, parents should be preparing their child to cope with racism. The Center for Adoption Support and Education’s WISE Up! tool teaches children that they have the power to respond to unwanted questions through the four W.I.S.E. choices: Walk away; say, “It’s private”; Share something about the adoption story; or Educate with general information about adoption. Go to www.adoptionsupport.org to learn more. Parents will need to bring up the subject, because teens will usually talk about racism only if they are directly asked. A parent might say: “Are kids saying anything unkind to you, especially about being Hispanic? Do you notice anything about how you are treated by anyone at school because you are not white? I really want you to tell me, because I don’t want you to go through this alone.”

4. What will happen when I leave home?
Often in late adolescence, as many teens prepare to leave home for college, work, or other opportunities, they begin to ponder the longevity of the parent-child relationship.
They may think that, since the adults have almost completed the job of raising them to young adulthood, the relationship will soon come to an end. Adopted teens may be especially vulnerable to separations of any kind. They may think, “If my birth parents gave me away, it could happen again,” or “When I go to college, will my parents be there for me? Lynn’s parents were talking about how much fun it would be to have a place in the mountains. Lynn, age 15, had been listening to the conversation. She had tears streaming down her face and said, “I knew you could leave me one day.” Lynn’s mom was incredulous. “We were just daydreaming about our retirement home! Where in the world would you come up with the idea that we would leave you?” she reassured her.
Like all children, adopted children need to know that they are loved and that the love is forever. However, adoptive parents may need to reinforce the issue of permanency
more often. Whenever a conversation about college or leaving home comes up, assure your child that you will always be his parents — no matter what. A parent might say: “I may not be ‘in charge’ of you anymore, but I hope that I will always be your best consultant. I’m only a phone call or e-mail away.”

5. Who am I?
Two questions pose particular challenges for adopted children: Who am I and where did I come from? Not only must adopted adolescents think about how they are similar and different from their adoptive parents, they must also think about how they are similar and different from their birth parents. Many adopted adolescents ask themselves: “Am I like my adoptive parents or my birth parents or both? I know little about my birth parents, so how can I possibly figure out who I am? What does it mean that I am Hispanic/Korean/African-American? Who would I have been if I had stayed with my birth family?” Our identity is molded from our values, beliefs, capabilities, talents, intellectual capabilities, sexual self-image, racial and ethnic heritage, personal goals and expectations, and, of course, our physical characteristics. All teens develop an awareness of these elements of self by determining how they are similar to their families and how they are different from them. In biological families, similarities and differences are typically discussed more readily. Tell your teen what similarities you see between yourself and him. Teens are often amazed by parents’ perceptions, and hearing about these perceived similarities helps them feel a stronger bond. A parent might say: “We are so alike — we are very perceptive (or messy, laugh at the same jokes, love shopping).” And don’t forget to celebrate the differences, too: “I wish I could be more like you, you are so much calmer (or musically gifted, outgoing).”

6. Is it OK if I think about my birth parents?
Many teens experience guilt related to their frequent and intense thoughts and feelings about their birth parents. Teens think, “I have so many questions about my birth parents, but if I ask my parents, will they get upset?” Fearing the disapproval of their parents, teens may hide their feelings and struggle alone with their emotional connection to their birth parents and the questions they have about them. The frequency and intensity of these thoughts may vary, depending on the adolescent’s personal adoption story, but all adopted children ponder the existence and character of their birth parents at some point in their lives. Parents need to understand the depth of these thoughts, the emotional significance of these thoughts, and the difficulty that teens may have in sharing them. Thinking about birth parents does not mean adolescents love their parents any less. “I am so afraid to tell my mom that I think about my birth mom,” said Amy, 16. “I love her and don’t want to hurt her.”

 A child’s need to consider the significance of the other set of parents is by no means a reflection of diminishing feelings for her adoptive parents. Parents need to present clear messages to their teen, supporting the quest for information. Initiate conversations about the birth parents, and affirm their importance. By demonstrating to your teen that you are not afraid to talk about her birth parents, you can help diminish her feelings of conflicted loyalty. A parent might say: “I always think about your birth mother on this day (Mother’s Day, child’s birthday), and say a special prayer for her, to thank her with all my heart.” Or, if there is contact: “I am so glad that Amanda (birth mom) is part of our lives.” 

Excerpted with permission from Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens, by Debbie Riley, M.S., with John Meeks, M.D.

Wed, November 15, 6pm – 8pm
Coalition for Children, Youth & Families, 6682 W Greenfield Ave #310, Milwaukee, WI 
Adoption Wellness offers a comprehensive pre/post-adoptive family training. All trainings meet the State of Wisconsin Core Competencies for adoption as well as the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoptions standards for pre-adoptive families. Workshops are noted by WI ACC and Hague I CA codes. Understanding the known or unknown history of the adopted person and the histories of the adoptive parents are helpful when processing the dynamics of how these histories impact the family relationship and the dynamics of parenting.
Nov 15. WI ACC 7 & 9 Hague ICA 96.48 B2, B4, C1 & C2
● Workshops will be held at the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families 6682 W. Greenfield Ave. #310, Milwaukee, WI 53214 Enter by the industrial driveway by the railroad tracks on Greenfield Ave. – use the SOUTH door by the children’s play area. Proceed up to the third floor, suite #310.
● Each workshop is $75 per family. It may be appropriate to invite key extended family members/caregivers to certain workshops. Feel free to check with us on this request. Professionals (social workers, therapists, legal & educators) are also welcome to attend. Professional participant cost is $30 per person. Agencies and organizations may contact me for group/employee rates. Registration & payment can be completed online at www.adoptionwellness.com, by snail mail or in person with check/credit card. Please register per session in advance.
● Adoption Wellness will provide training certificates to participants after the workshops. The certificates will note the training hours and standards met.
● Unless noted, these are workshops are adult only. Childcare is not provided. About the workshop facilitator/trainer: Jaclyn Skalnik, MSW, CAPSW is the founder of Adoption Wellness and is also a transracial, internationally adopted person. Jaclyn earned a Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. She has assisted adoptive families throughout their adoption process for nearly two decades. She has presented at global conferences on matters concerning adoption and is passionate about educating and supporting adoptive families, educating adoption professionals and counseling adopted persons and their loved ones. Other professional experiences include international adoption-related travel throughout Asia and Latin America, homeland travel with adoptive families, and advocating on behalf of children who deserve permanency in a loving, healthy family.
Jaclyn is a licensed and Certified Advanced Practice Social Worker, an adoption-competent child & family therapist, an adoption educator/trainer, a Hague Accreditation reviewer for the Council on Accreditation, a member of the National Association of Social Workers, a World of Diversity trainer, adoptive family homeland journey social worker and has facilitated international birth-family searches and reunions. Jaclyn provides training to adoption professionals and is a certified C.A.S.E Training for Adoption Competency trainer and served on the 2014 Legislative Council Study Committee on Adoption Disruption and and Dissolution for the Wisconsin State Legislature. Jaclyn partners with other professionals, experts or colleagues for specific workshops based on the individual topic or workshop. For more information or questions, please visit www.adoptionwellness.com or email jaclyn@adoptionwellness.com

Look at family photos, watch home movies, or even try making your own storybook as a keepsake for your child. Check some of the creative ideas and tutorials on YouTube of how to make your own books. Below demonstrates a fun and easy way to make your own scrapbook with your child that as a family you can read again and again!

You’re Invited …

 

An Evening With Adoptees” a panel of adults who were adopted, as babies/children will share their stories and take questions from the audience.

Pre-adoptive parents, Adoptive Parents, Adoption Professionals, Medical Professionals, Legal Professionals, Educators, and those whose lives are touched by adoption; personally or professionally. 

*This workshop offers two credit hours for the State of Wisconsin and Intercountry Adoption Hague Convention training requirements. 

Wednesday, December 6, 2017, from 6-8 pm

The Coalition for Children, Youth & Families

6682 W. Greenfield Avenue, Suite 310

Milwaukee, WI 53214

Cost: $50 per family or $30 per professional

Please note: This will be an intimate workshop with mature content. The panelists will include diverse experiences and perspectives with a wide range of themes. Parents, please use discretion on bringing teenagers.

Register by 12/4: www.adoptionwellness.com under “Family Training Workshops.” Payments can be made online or in person with cash or check.

You are welcome to forward this to anyone who may benefit from this workshop.

Ask your local library to display adoption-related books
Lifetime’s Founder and adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has written several books on adoption including AdoptingOnline.comAdoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide, Called to AdoptionSo I Was Thinking About Adoption… and The Healthcare Professional’s Adoption Guide. 

The more we can showcase in our local communities the more this month will receive recognition. Join us in the effort to spread awareness!



Positive Adoption Language

USA adoptions resourcesUsing positive adoption language will help end the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you’ll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of stereotypes.Words have the power to change our perspective. Even the most well-meaning people can harm someone with their words simply because they do not understand. Understanding specific language can help with sensitive situations, like adoption.

Whether you are speaking with an adoptive family or a birthmother, the chart below will help you, or your well-meaning friends and family members, use words that won’t unintentionally harm anyone.